All parents know that their child are copy-cats. In reality, they duplicate so often, and so perfectly, that they are practically “copy machines”. They imitate what you say, the way in which you articulate it, and under what circumstances you say it. They duplicate the way you move about, how you behave, how you act in response to things, how you consider other people, and almost everything else you do.
But we parents also appreciate that every so often, we desire to teach them one thing, and they learn something else. By way of an example, you’re trying to teach your children about gardening and how fun it is to grow vegetables, but they learn how to run a mile when they notice a maggot or a spider, creating a brand new life-long dread (or plain “severe repugnance”).
The challenge is needless to say that children learn at an unparalleled speed. They simply don’t constantly learn that which you want them to learn. And it’s worse because occasionally you don’t appreciate (or don’t even reflect on) what you intend your child to learn.
But deciding what you need your child to learn is not important when you’re sitting alongside your youngster trying to teach them something. Well, it is important, but it’s obviously at the front of your thoughts. The vital times are when you are not trying to openly teach your child something, but they are going to discover something anyway. It’s in these situations that you especially need to be tuned in to what your child is learning.
To give you an example, if you and your other half are in disagreement about something, and one of you curses and stalks off rather than coping with the arguement lucidly and equitably, what will your child learn? Well, the principal thing they’ll become skilled at is a new word, one that you don’t care for them shouting in public! The subsequent thing they’re liable to learn is: “when in a quarrel, run off rather than managing it.” Or something resembling that, anyhow.
So being aware that your child is going to learn something in EACH AND EVERY circumstance they are in is essential. Deciding in advance what you’d prefer them to discover is something altogether different. And that’s why the most valuable empowering question for parents is: what do I want my child to learn from this?
If you can hold a question like this in your head as often as possible, and particularly where you are hugely emotive or reacting from custom, you’ll begin to have a tremendous capacity to inspire your child even more than you do previously. You’ll be able to show them more of how you yearn for them to behave, in a style that’s more like your best behaviour, as opposed to you at your most horrible. You’ll be able to congruently say “do what I do AND what I say”, without worrying so much about your language and behaviour being in alignment. You’ll be able to tell your child as they grow up why you behave like you do, knowing that they’ll by now have had years of noticing you act in line with your values and rules.
But… you will only be successful in doing this if you have a critical mindset that parents need to encompass, something that makes this empowering question useful. Without help, the question is advantageous, but it’s not the only thing you need to have.
Read part 2 of this article to find out what that way of thinking is…
